So it was just us. Which wasn't that weird, we've hung out just the two of us quite a bit. We're making our normal jokes back and forth while we're playing mario kart (it just came out shut up we're adults!). So I said something, I can't even remember WHAT at this point, but he jokingly said if I didn't stop being so rude that he'd have to spank me. To my credit, I think I was able to pull off an impressive poker face to not giveaway how much that excited me. Because holy shit it did. But I played it off with more jokes. I think I said something like "if you can't even beat me in mario kart then why should I be afraid of you beating my ass?". Again, I thought this was all just playful banter.We did a few more races. We're sitting next to each other on the couch. I'll admit, after the spanking comment I was definitely trying to move closer lol. I continued to be lippy and sarcastic and at one point he just goes "alright, that's it" and pulled me down onto his lap. I'm not fully across. No more fantasizing of pianos and a home filled with love, safety, warmth, and family. All of these are merely dreams that can never be and if I hold onto them then I will never know peace. We will never be together and I know that, with every bit of my being, I know it but God, how do you let it all go? Something so strong and sure? How do you implore your heart of hearts to see reason and allow yourself to heal? How do you tell it to speak with your head and actually listen? To understand that this pain, this appalling heartache, could and will happen again if I continue to do this to myself. I know my dream is a warning of what will, undoubtedly, come to pass for me and that it is yet another attempt at my head trying to bombard me with rationalism. This fact is what holds me back and what keeps that impossible dream lingering. I understand that it is only my mind rehashing the trauma and fear in order to protect my body from further damage. Knowing this gives me hope that.
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